Managing Your Anger

I love the fact that I’m surrounded by so many strong, beautiful women in my family, but boy are we emotional. What I find most interesting is the broad range of emotions we exhibit, but always for the same reason…someone hurt our feelings! 😅 

People will believe I’m angry sometimes when I’m not just because of my RBF.

Now I don’t know if this is common amongst families that are mostly women, or if it’s black women, but it’s like we were born with RBF (resting bitch face) as a way to protect ourselves. It’s just best to appear as unapproachable sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you get to tell me to, “smile”. So even when I’m not angry, people might believe I am and get testy with me, and in situations like those it used to be uncommon for me to stop and think. Instead I would immediately become defensive. And although I’m sensitive and emotional, in my family we also all have a habit of either: talking shit or we completely shutting down. However, I learned these coping strategies are just not helpful.

In anger management I learned to identify what’s actually causing my behavior and respond in healthier ways. 

I first learned anger is the result of the way we think about things. And I know you’re probably thinking, well my violent and aggressive thoughts stem from me feeling angry. But that’s not actually true. 

Your circumstances are what create thoughts, and your thoughts are actually what create your feelings; which is why I’m always preaching about mindfulness!

Situation/Circumstance ➡️ Thoughts ➡️ Feelings

There are four important steps to help deal with situations that make you angry.

Step #1: Chill

Talk to yourself in a positive, gentle way can ease your anger. Use phrases like these to help you calm down:

• Slow down

• Chill

• Take it easy

• Easy does it

• Take a deep breath

• Relax

• Cool it

• Count backwards from 20

Step #2: Collect Your Thoughts

Next, think about what’s getting you so angry. Review the situation point by point.

• What’s getting me angry?

• Is this a personal attack or insult?

• Am I expecting too much of myself or of someone else?

Step #3: Choose the Best Action

Then think about your options rationally.

• Anger should be a signal to start problem solving.

• What can I do?

• What is in my best interests here?

• What other coping skills may be helpful here?

Step #4: Change the Way You Think About Your Anger

If the problem won’t go away immediately. Remind yourself:

• You can’t fix everything.

• To avoid letting one thing ruin your whole day.

• If it won’t matter matter in 5 years don’t spend more than 5 minutes being upset about it.
  

And when you solve the problem, congratulate yourself! Remember it’s important to celebrate the small wins to help encourage you to keep going.

I would suggest taking it one step further and documenting any patterns you notice. Use the following FREE worksheet as a guide to determine what causes you to get angry in the first place and establish a plan to help avoid those triggers on your path to peace and tranquility.