Refusal Skills, Saying “No”
As a reformed perfectionist and people pleaser I find I often put a lot of pressure on myself. Pressure to break generational curses. Pressure to avoid toxic cycles I’ve worked so hard to leave in the past. Pressure to stay positive and be happy every day. Pressure to give back when I may not have the capacity or ability…and that’s just from my personal life!
Although I love helping others, it can sometimes be extremely draining. Especially when you have a lot going on in your own life. Here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way that will help you feel more confident in saying “no”:
Nonverbal Suggestions:
Speak in a clear, firm, and unhesitating voice. Otherwise, you invite questions about whether you mean what you say.
Make direct eye contact with the other person. It increases the effectiveness of your message.
Don’t feel guilty. You can’t hurt anyone by taking care of yourself, so don’t feel guilty. In many social situations, people won’t even think about it or bring it up. But, if they do, stand up for yourself!
Verbal Suggestions:
“No” sometimes needs to be the first word out of your mouth. When you hesitate to say “no,” people believe they can change your mind. For example, “No, but thank you for thinking of me.”
If you know it’s something you don’t want to do, avoid excuses or vague answers, like “I’m not feeling well right now,” or “Not tonight.” These imply that at some later date you will be open to the idea.
Suggest an alternative instead. For example, if your boss were to ask you to work overtime. Your response could be, “No, unfortunately I’m unable to as I have another commitment. But I think Jen might be interested in making some extra money. Maybe you could ask her?”
If the person repeatedly pressures you, ask him/her not to ask you about this anymore. For example, “If my situation changes and I’m able to I will let you know. In the meantime would you mind not bringing this up again? It’s putting a lot of pressure and stress on me.”
After saying “no,” change the subject to something else to avoid getting drawn into a long discussion or debate about it. “No, I can’t I just have too much going on. Did I tell you what happened at work last week?
Be consistent. You may have to repeat yourself.
I know some of you are thinking, easier said than done. And trust me, I can relate. I had a hard time saying no to people for years simply because I didn’t want to disappoint/hurt anyone. So if I did refuse someone’s request it was because I absolutely could not help, then would over-explain myself to prove I did everything I could, and hoped they would understand.
Then, when I finally realized I don’t have to explain myself - it was like I’d never agreed to help out before. I was labeled as selfish and mean just because I wouldn’t give in to what they wanted. And that’s when I learned just how many people were taking advantage of my kindness and using me all because I wanted to be liked.
With practice, saying ‘no’ became easier, and although I lost a few “friends” (I’m using that term loosely here), I understand now that’s what happens when you outgrow someone or acknowledge them for what they truly are. Because if they truly were my friend they would understand the importance of my prioritizing myself and not take it personally.
“Sometimes you just have to say, “no” in order to say, “yes” to yourself. ”
So starting today, I challenge you to show up for yourself! Use this practice worksheet to establish a plan for what you will do in real life when faced with the pressure to say, “yes” but you know you want to say, “no.”
