“Soft Parenting” My Son
“Gentle parenting,” also known as “soft parenting” or “mindful parenting,” is a parenting style used to describe a parenting approach that prioritizes empathy and disciplining in a non-reactive way.
I don’t remember exactly when I first heard the term, but my son was beyond his toddler years and I’d already begun my journey to self-actualization. I was focused on intentional change, which meant being the best version of myself - including the best parent I could possibly be. Then, after doing a bit of research on “soft parenting”, I realized just by hoping to unlearn the toxic inherited traits from my childhood, I’d been soft parenting my son and didn’t even know it.
The day after Valentine’s day last year I received a text from my son’s father saying he got a call from our son’s school that he wanted to discuss with me. He wanted to inform me that our son’s teacher had discovered some writing in a notebook that said, “I want to die'' and “I hate myself.” My immediate reaction was, What the hell! I’m so sick of this!
In my opinion, my son has it fairly easy. Mainly, because I’m intentionally trying to break certain generational curses. He has two parents, with two incomes, willing to fulfill his every wish and desire, and all he has to do is be respectful and get good grades. However, year after year he has struggled in one way or another.
Mustering Up Some Empathy
Understanding that he and I are not the same, I do my best to avoid comparing his childhood to mine or comparing him to other children. I instead try to understand him. I think of a time not too long ago when I battled low self-esteem and a lack of confidence, and imagine that’s what he might be feeling and what might have caused him to feel this way either mentally or emotionally.
And if I look back over the last couple years, he’s actually had to overcome some pretty stressful, albeit appropriate situations. Although his father and I separated over seven years ago, family court and everything surrounding it has been, for the lack of a better word, messy. And I haven’t been able to protect him as much as I’d like.
He had ongoing issues with the school bully for a few years, he lost two close friends at no fault of his, and had to adjust to becoming a big brother.
Becoming More Sympathetic
Thinking back to all he’s been through over the last couple years allowed me the empathy and patience I needed to address what he wrote in his notebook. And after a long, difficult conversation, I was able to discover his biggest stressor stems from how hard his schoolwork is getting.
Initially, I found myself annoyed again.
I began to emphasize how many years of school he had left, and how if he paid attention in class his schoolwork wouldn’t be that hard. He then told me how his efforts seem to never be enough, and no matter how hard he tries he feels like he’s getting dumber not smarter. He was feeling discouraged, as if nothing he did would ever be good enough, and it wasn’t until he expressed this that it finally clicked for me.
Life has been harder than usual for everyone, especially after the pandemic, including for our children.
Feelings of inadequacy is hard. Trying our best repeatedly only to fall short, again and again, is hard. Learning something new is hard. Knowing that the people we love is struggling is hard. Adjusting to a new normal is hard. And suffering alone, without anyone to talk to makes it even harder.
Finding A Better Way
At ten years old it’s clear my son is feeling a lot of emotions. My goal is to help minimize the negative self-talk in his head and teach him self-compassion so he can grow up to be less anxious and depressed, and start to live carefree again. If society wants to call this “soft parenting” then so be it. But to me, it’s just minimizing the psychological damage to my sensitive, emotionally intelligent child. If this is something you’re interested in doing but find it hard, use this real life practice worksheet to help you be less reactive in stressful moments.
